L3: April 2014

Z for Zeal

8:37:00 PM

With $50 in his pocket, Dustin Hoffman headed to New York, hoping to find work as an actor. Inexperienced and unknown, Hoffman struggled to find employment. Acting gigs were not paying his bills, so he worked an assortment of odd jobs to stay afloat, including typing for the Yellow Pages, stringing together Hawaiian leis, and checking coats at a local theater.

Undaunted by sparse opportunities, Hoffman clung to his passion. He took whatever acting jobs would come his way, always hoping to be discovered. Each time he acted, even in humble roles, he added to his experience and fanned the flame of his passion.

Hoffman’s passion stayed sharp because of the company he kept. Two of his best friends were fellow “starving artists,” also trying to make a break as actors. Their names? Gene Hackman and Robert Duvall. Together, Hoffman, Duvall, and Hackman supported one another, validated each other’s dreams, and shared the ups and downs of life as aspiring actors.

Acting was the common passion that all three of them shared. As a result, their relationship grew much stronger. Despite the struggles they had to go through, it was their zeal for acting that kept them together and kept them going forward. People often tend to distance themselves when they don’t share a common passion.

Z-Zeal

Take any two people who share a strong relationship with each other and you will find that both of them share a common passion; something that they are both zealous about. It is often what cements that relationship.

Everyone has a dream; something that they are passionate about; something that drives them from within. The truth is that some pursue it whilst others give it up. In order for us to develop a strong relationship with any one, the key is in finding what their dreams/passions are and being able to relate to it. When we find it, we enter their heart. The more we help them pursue their dreams and visions, the deeper we take the relationship.

You can know a lot about a person and still not understand him. More information isn’t always the answer. To really understand people, you must know what they want, and that requires you to go beyond the head and consider the heart.

Take Away Principle: In order for us to develop a strong relationship with anyone, the key is in finding what their dreams/passions are and being able to relate to it. The more we help them pursue their dreams and visions, the deeper we take the relationship.

Tips on finding a person’s zeal:

1. Accept that people are different and may not share the same passions as we do.

2. Ask good questions. What makes them happy? What makes them sad? What gets them excited?

3. Don't make assumptions about people based on their background, profession, race, or gender.

4. Be genuinely interested in them and support them if you relate to their passions.

A-Z Challenge

Y for You

9:07:00 PM

In this entire series, we’ve been looking at various values that one ought to possess in order to build strong lasting relationships with people. Now, we must remember that just by practicing these values may not help in building strong relationships with everyone. But it will help us understand and connect with others better and as a result understand ourselves.

What’s important is not how other people relate to us, what’s important is how we relate to others. We can’t control other people’s actions and reactions but we can control ours. We can’t determine how they feel about us but we can determine how we feel about them. The most important person in any relationship is you.

Y-YOU

This is why it is very important to accept yourself for who you are. We cannot build strong relationships with others if we don’t have a strong relationship with ourselves. Every one of us has insecurities and issues that we wish we could change about ourselves. Sometimes we allow these insecurities/ issues to get the better of us and we feel insignificant and worthless in the eyes of others. Often times it undermines our ability to reach our highest potential.

Like any Marine, Scott Winkler travelled to Iraq knowing that danger was part of the equation. However, he never suspected to find it lurking in the back of a supply truck. While unloading a fifty-pound box, Scott’s leg became caught in a strap, and he collapsed to the sand, landing on his back with his torso grotesquely contorted and his knees facing the earth. Surgery could not repair the damage, leaving the young man paralyzed. Initially experiencing bouts of depression, Scott finally reached a place where he said, “Enough is enough.” Unwilling to stay on life’s sidelines, he began training for the Paralympics. Within two years, he held the world record in the adaptive shot put and took part in the Beijing Paralympic Games.

There was nothing Scott could do to change his condition. However he refused to let a tragic accident define him. He believed that he could still achieve despite his disability and that made him a success.

What is important is coming to terms with who we are. When we do that, we are able to focus on our strengths and develop them enabling us to become secure in ourselves.

Take Away Principle: We cannot build strong relationships with others until we’ve built a strong relationship with ourselves.

Tips on building yourself:

1. Understand that you are unique.

2. Increase your value by trying to fix those things which are within your power to change.

3. Do not allow circumstances or situations to define you.

4. Come to terms with your weaknesses.

5. Work on your strengths and develop them.

A-Z Challenge

X for Xerox

8:01:00 PM

A relationship is like a bridge that connects two people to each other. A bridge cannot exist if the points are not strong in themselves. All the previous 23 values we’ve been looking at how to build strong relationships with others. This post and the next is how we build ourselves. Building ourselves helps us in building strong relationships with others.

“For many years Monterey, a California coast town, was a pelican's paradise. As the fishermen cleaned their fish, they flung the offal to the pelicans. The birds grew fat, lazy, and contented. Eventually, however the offal was utilized, and there were no longer snacks for the pelicans. When the change came the pelicans made no effort to fish for themselves. They waited around and grew gaunt and thin. Many starved to death. They had forgotten how to fish for themselves. The problem was solved by importing new pelicans from the south, birds accustomed to foraging for themselves. They were placed among their starving cousins, and the newcomers immediately started catching fish. Before long, the hungry pelicans followed suit, and the famine was ended.” – Taken from Bits & Pieces, June 23, 1994, p. 17.

X-Xerox

Recently I got into conversation with someone who regularly read my blogs. They told me that the values that I have been writing are great but found some of them quite difficult to implement. I simply told them to find someone who does it well and Xerox it from them.

Irish writer and poet Oscar Wilde once said, “Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”

Nothing worth knowing can be taught but it definitely can be caught. When we find people who excel in certain values in their lives and look and model them, overtime those values become a part of us.

If we were to evaluate every area of our lives, some of the best things we do today are as a result of learning it from someone who did it well. We build stronger relationships with others when we relate to those who are good at building relationships. When we identify the area that we are weak at and find and model someone who’s good at it; overtime we become good at it.

Too many people attribute their poor behavior to others around them: “I did it because I've seen him/her do it.” “If he/she can do and get away with it then why can't I?” “He/she did the same, you didn't tell them anything!” Sounds familiar? We have often said these as kids, haven't we?

In his book, “The Next Generation Leader”, Andy Stanley writes, “We have a tendency to measure ourselves against people around us. They become our point of reference.”

This is why we need someone who is good at the values we want to develop: so that our references are always worthy of emulating from.

Take Away Principle: If there are values that we find difficult to incorporate into our lives, we need to find someone who is good at it and model from them.

Tips on Xeroxing:

1. Identify those values that we find difficult to implement.

2. Find someone who does it well.

3. Ask them if they would take time to teach you.

4. Spend time with them watching and learning how and when they do it.

5. Emulate them and slowly make those values a part of you.

A-Z Challenge

W for Words

6:52:00 PM

French journalist and politician Emile de Girardin once said on the power of words: Well chosen words have stopped armies, changed defeat into victory, & saved empires.

A few years ago, we got together with a few couples and were sharing on the power of words. Almost all of us could remember the strong hurtful words that were spoken either by our teachers, our parents and some of them our close friends. What was more interesting was that most of us had done things in our lives to disprove some of the things that were spoken about us.

W-Words

Isn't it true that we've often loved to be around those people who have always spoken words of affirmation and appreciation? We choose to be around those people simply because we feel more valued in their presence. It gives us security and boosts our morale to pursue the things that we've been into even more.

Words have the power to hurt or heal a person. We cannot underestimate the impact that our words have on an individual. Words have the power to shape lives especially in children. Positive words make them secure whereas if they have been abused, they grow up becoming insecure. Words can make or break a person. As a result, they can make or break a relationship in the long run.

Appreciating people always appreciates them as individuals and therefore appreciates the relationship. Affirming people always affirms them as individuals and therefore affirms the relationship.

Psychologist William James has said, "In every person from the cradle to the grave, there is a deep craving to be appreciated."

Appreciation always brings out the best in people. And when that appreciation is coupled with acceptance, love and encouragement, the bond between the people grow and it creates a strong relationship.

Take Away Principle: Words have the power to make or break an individual. Positive words can make a person secure and therefore even securing the relationship.

Tips on speaking affirmation and appreciation:

1. Take note of what everyone is doing.

Always observe and watch what everyone is doing. It helps us to find key moments where appreciation can be truly given.

2. Appreciate sincerely.

When giving appreciation, never give it for the sake of giving, but mean every word that is said. Let it come from the heart.

3. Appreciate specifically.

Don't appreciate generally. But specifically point out what was it that they did that made the difference.

4. Appreciate privately.

Do take time to appreciate privately. Let them know personally what it meant for them to contribute to the event.

5. Appreciate publically.

Appreciating privately encourages people but appreciating publicly affirms them. Both are necessary. Always take time to appreciate them in front of others.

A-Z Challenge

V for Value

4:55:00 PM

Director Frank Darabont of the film, “The Green Mile” talks about how Academy Award winner Tom Hanks helped Michael Duncan to achieve his best-

“Fifteen, twenty years from now what I will remember about filming the Green Mile; it was one thing and I will never forget this: As we were shooting, the camera is on Michael Duncan first, I realized I was getting distracted by Hanks. He was delivering an academy award winning performance off the camera for Michael Duncan; to give him every possible thing he needs or can use to deliver the best possible performance. He wanted Michael to do so well and look so good. I will never forget that.”

In 1999, Michael Clarke Duncan was nominated for an academy award as Best Actor in a supporting role category. Thus kick-started his career and so did their relationship.

At Michael Clarke’s funeral in 2012, Tom Hanks was one of the first stars to pay tribute to him. He said, “'He was magic. He was a big love of man, and his passing leaves us stunned.”

Tom Hanks like so many other actors could have been the first to bail out on Duncan. Instead he offered to help and it obviously paid off. Tom Hanks added immense value to Duncan thereby enabling him to become successful. They shared a close relationship.

V-Value

When people think about us, do they say to themselves, "My life is better because of that person"? Their response probably answers the question of whether we are adding value to them.

Many people end up being discouraged and dissatisfied because they haven’t been able to achieve their dreams yet. When we enter with the mindset of adding value to them and help them achieve their dreams, the relationship that we have with that individual goes to a higher level.

When we add value to someone, we make their lives more valuable. It elevates them from where they are and the more higher they go, the higher we go.

Zig Ziglar says, "You can get everything in life you want if you help enough other people get what they want."

When we approach any individual with the mindset of adding value to them in whatever way we can, not only do they become successful but so do we. Adding value is always a win-win situation.

Take Away Principle:

Adding value is a win-win situation. When we add value to someone, we make their lives more valuable hence making our relationship more valuable.

Tips on adding value:

1. Make yourself more valuable. You can only make them valuable if you’re valuable.

2. Find out what they value you for and work on making it better.

3. Sincerely listen to them. Ask the question: what’s their dream and help them achieve it.

4. Accompany them on their journey and in turn they will accompany you.

A-Z Challenge

U for Understanding

4:00:00 PM

John Steinbeck once said, “Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.”

How do you feel when you are misunderstood? Few things are more difficult to live with than being misunderstood. Sometimes it’s downright unbearable. We carry feelings of loneliness, frustration, disappointment and eventually resentment. How many times have we made the statement, “Only if he/she really understood me.”?

U-Understanding

Father Damien was a priest who became famous for his willingness to serve lepers. He moved to Kalawao, a village on the island of Molokai in Hawaii that had been quarantined to serve as a leper colony. For sixteen years he lived in their midst. He learned to speak their language. He bandaged their wounds, embraced the bodies no one else would touch, preached to hearts that would otherwise have been left alone. He organized schools, bands, and choirs. He built homes so that the lepers could have shelter. He built two thousand coffins by hand so that when they died, they could be buried with dignity. Slowly, it was said, Kalawao became a place to live rather than a place to die, for Father Damien offered hope.

Father Damien was not careful about keeping his distance. He did nothing to separate himself from his people. He dipped his fingers in the pot bowl along with the patients. He shared his pipe. He did not always wash his hands after bandaging open sores. He got close. For this, the people loved him.

Then one day he stood up and began his sermon with two words: “We lepers.....”

The key for a strong connection in any relationship is in understanding the other person. Understanding him/her helps us to know them better. We actually form a bridge into their world getting to know what’s on their heart and mind.

In his book, “Becoming a Person of Influence”, Dr. John Maxwell says, “To understand the mind of a person, look at what he has achieved and to understand the heart of a person, look at what he dreams of becoming.”

Understanding someone is like opening a door and finding something new. The thing about people is that when you open one door and discover something you will soon find that there is another door to open. Understanding people is a lifelong process.

Take Away Principle:

Taking time to understand people helps us to form a bridge into their world enabling us to from a stronger connection in our relationship.

Tips on understanding:

1. To understand someone, focus on their needs.

2. Remember that each person is different.

3. Take time to understand their backgrounds.

4. Learn about their past.

5. Assess their personality.

A-Z Challenge

T for Trust

7:17:00 PM

In his book ‘Winning with People’, Dr. John C. Maxwell describes relationships and trust beautifully: “Relationships can also be described as being like a painting. Trust is like the frame that surrounds it and holds it together. It provides a context in which to view the work of art. Trust defines its boundaries. Trust secures it to the wall so that it can be enjoyed. Trust provides emotional structure.”

There can be no relationship without trust. If it is true that love is the root of all relationships then trust is the ingredient by which those roots can grow deeper.

T-Trust

Many people find it difficult to build and sustain healthy relationships today because their trust was breached by someone earlier in their lives. They were cheated on and perhaps betrayed by someone who used to be close to them. As a result they build walls around them so that they wouldn’t have to go through the pain of broken trust all over again. Broken trust creates fear in people.

In the movie ‘The Stepford Wives’, the wives in Stepford were systematically replaced by robots that looked exactly like them. The husbands could count on precisely the behaviour they wanted from their cyber spouses. No uncertainty. No frustration. No need for trust.

Can you imagine a spending your life with a robot? Life would become so predictable and boring because the same thing would keep repeating itself.

Trusting someone is like taking a journey with them. It opens us to learning new things about ourselves and the other person. Trust honors the freedom, the dominion and the dignity of the other person. Trusting people is allowing them to fail. Trust opens the door for forgiveness, mercy and grace. It is the way to intimacy and depth of a relationship.

There will be uncertainty and frustration but over time just like the farmer who keeps adding ingredients so that the plants would grow to yield fruit; we too would be able to see the fruit which would be fulfilling.

Author Jack Frost said it well, “Basic trust does not mean the ability to believe or trust one another. It is the capacity to hold your heart open to others, especially if you believe another’s motives or intentions are not pure. Basic trust is having an open heart. It is when you risk being vulnerable, even when it hurts you to stay open and not to close your spirit. You are able to risk being childlike again and receive love and nurture. Basic trust is foundational for building healthy relationships.”

Take Away Principle: If love is the root of all relationships then trust becomes the ingredient by which those roots can grow. It helps us to discover ourselves and the other person creating a way for intimacy and depth of the relationship.

Tips on trusting people:

1. Trust yourself. You cannot trust others if you cannot trust yourself. Come to terms with what your shortcomings are.

2. Approach a person with an open mind. Don’t judge them based on their past. If you want to trust someone, you must first change your view/ perspective about them.

3. Make yourself vulnerable. Give every person the benefit of your trust. Trusting people is allowing them to fail.

A-Z Challenge

S for Sharing Secrets

2:20:00 PM

Aidan Chambers writes, “Everyone wants more than anything to be allowed into someone else's most secret self. Everyone wants to allow someone into their most secret self. Everyone feels so alone inside that their deepest wish is for someone to know their secret being, because then they are alone no longer. Don't we all long for this?”

In any close relationship, there is almost nothing that they don’t know anything about each other. They share their deepest secrets with each other and that’s what makes the relationship unique.

S-Sharing Secrets

Everyone has their own secrets. Big companies keep secrets believing that’s what will keep them ahead in the competition. Coca-Cola's famously secret recipe was invented by Dr John Pemberton in 1886. It is still known only to a few employees. The formula was stored in a vault at the Trust Company Bank in Atlanta until 2011 when it was moved into a purpose-built chamber as part of the company's permanent interactive exhibition, the World of Coca-Cola, in Atlanta, Georgia.

And in another southern American state, Colonel Sanders mixed 11 herbs and spices together and rubbed them on a chook. That original recipe is kept in a vault in KFC's Louisville, Kentucky, headquarters. For added security, two companies, unknown to each other, produce half the recipe each.

But there's no information available about where Google keeps its secret algorithm that has powered its search engine and its consequent domination of the online world.

When we allow another person in on our secrets giving them a taste of a plan or an idea, we instantly make a meaningful connection with them. When we reveal something of ourselves and let them know that we’re doing it for the first time, it makes that person feel special.

In his book, 25 ways to win with people, Dr. John C. Maxwell says that sharing a secret is really a matter of two things: reading the context of a situation and desiring to build up the other person.

I believe when we share a secret about a situation that we know with someone in a similar context with a desire to build up that person, it improves the relationship with that person.

One of the things I do with my wife everyday is to share with her, first, everything that has happened during the day and she vice versa. We have had some special times together as a result of sharing it first with each other. We of course have secrets that we share with each other no one else knows about.

Take Away Principle:

Sharing secrets with those we are in a relationship with makes that person feel special thereby making a deeper connection.

Tips on Sharing Secrets:

1. Be comfortable with sharing about yourself with others.

2. When you do share something secretive let the person know that they are the first to know.

3. Share something that concerns them and will help them in their situation.

A-Z Challenge

R for Respect

6:42:00 PM

In her book, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn writes, “While it may be totally foreign to most of us, the male need for respect and affirmation—especially from his woman—is so hard wired and so critical that most men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate.” The survey indicated that if they had to choose one of the following two situations, 74 percent of men would rather be alone and unloved than feel inadequate and be disrespected. Only 26 percent chose the other way around.”

I believe everybody desires to be respected especially from those they have a relationship with. As parents, it’s what we all want with our kids; as coaches, we want it with our players; as teachers we hope for it with our students; as employers we desire it with our staff and as people, we want it from our friends and even our spouses.

R-Respect

Respect communicates that we give a person position of high value and worth in our lives. It signals affirmation and shows how much we believe in them. People are willing to reach their highest potential when they feel respected. They are willing to take extra risks and go farther in life simply because deep down they know that there is someone who respects them for who they are.

Giving respect benefits not only the individual but also the relationship. Respect in a relationship is what will build loyalty in the long run.

You have heard the old adage, “Respect is earned.” While that holds true, it’s also true that respect should be given. Many people struggle to get along and give respect with those who are in higher authority because of corrupt character and therefore blame the system. Sadly, this is what is happening in our political realm today. Many have lost respect for our political system.

But when we learn to give respect to their position irrespective of character, it helps us to appreciate the system and thereby work through.

Take Away Principle: Giving respect to someone communicates our belief in them thereby enabling them to reach their highest potential and therefore builds loyalty in the relationship.

Tips on giving respect:

1. Affirm the person. Tell them how much you appreciate their strengths.

2. Speak well of the person in front of others.

3. Listen to them without interrupting.

4. Even while in conflict, speak respectfully.

A-Z Challenge

Q for Quitting

8:03:00 PM

The divorce rates in our country are on the increase. The numbers are alarming. People are leaving their marriages because they feel they can no longer cope with their partners.

While this remains a sensitive topic in relationships, it still is something which needs to be addressed. Among all the A-Z that I've written on relationships thus far, this one we should look to only and only if nothing else works out.

First of all let me start with the key to not quitting- perseverance. People do change. Before we quit, we must ask the question, have we really given everything into this relationship?

Perseverance is the key to not quitting in a relationship. It often challenges us to change our perspective and gives us a fresh and a bigger picture.

One of the key things we’ve to understand is that strong relationships are formed over time and not in a day. The sculptor who carved Mount Rushmore was once asked if he did a perfect job of sculpting the faces of the four presidents. "No," he replied. "The nose of George Washington is about an inch too long, but its okay. In a thousand years, erosion will make it just right." Giving time to relationship building is important and that is why every one of the qualities we've seen in this challenge must be applied every day. We must believe that the more we invest into the qualities the more we will see the results over time.

Q- Quitting

So when does one quit in a relationship?

Marriage expert Dr. David Hawkins responds to a wife in regard to her husband, “Too many people tolerate too much abuse in marriage, believing it somehow virtuous to be longsuffering. You provide a perfect example of the final outcome of tolerating irresponsibility—a fractured marriage. Please treat yourself in a healthy manner, and in doing so you’ll provide the greatest possibility for your husband becoming healthier as well.”

When the outcome of the relationship we are in damages us and those around us physically, emotionally and mentally then we should seriously consider quitting.

Take Away Principle: The key to not quitting a relationship is perseverance. However even after repeated attempts and over time when the outcome is still damaging physically, mentally and emotionally then one ought to consider quitting.

Tips on quitting:

1. Every relationship has disagreements. Do try and talk it out with the person.

2. Before deciding to quit, take time to evaluate.

3. Confide in someone else you trust. Sometimes an outside perspective can bring new light in the way we look at and approach things.

4. Consider if you’ve made mistakes and try to correct them.

5. Get into counselling.

6. When you do quit:

a. Leave well-don’t burn bridges.

b. Take time to heal.

c. Learn from your mistakes.

A-Z Challenge

P for Patience

6:29:00 PM

A little boy once in a department store was standing at the end of an escalator. He kept watching the railing as it went around. A salesman came and asked, “Son, are you lost?” And he said, “No, I’m just waiting for my chewing gum to come back.”

What comes to your mind when you hear the word, ‘wait’? Not many like to hear that word and yet without waiting we don’t receive some of the best things in life. It took me seven years to have a successful dental practice. It took us six long years as a married couple to have our son.

We live today in an instant world. We want everything now. When we don’t get something immediately; we end up becoming angry.

P- Patience

Patience is a key virtue when it comes to relationships. Without being patient with people, we can end up becoming very angry.

In his book “A Love worth Giving”, Max Lucado describes patience well, “The Greek word used for patience is a descriptive one. It figuratively means “taking a long time to boil.” Think about a pot of boiling water. What factors determine the speed at which it boils? The size of the stove? No. The pot? The utensil may have an influence, but the primary factor is the intensity of the flame. Water boils quickly when the flame is high. It boils slowly when the flame is low. Patience “keeps the burner down.” Patience isn't naive. It doesn't ignore misbehaviour. It just keeps the flame low. It waits. It listens. It’s slow to boil.”

In other words, patience is slow anger. We take a longer time to get angry with those we love, simply because we are willing to be patient with them. If we are to be successful in our relationships with people, we need to be patient. If we are to be successful in parenting with our children, we need to be patient.

The root of impatience is anger. Anger is a relationship killer. Uncontrolled anger leaves behind feelings of hurt, resentment and bitterness. I've known people who have destroyed expensive equipment (mobiles, laptops and even an electric guitar!) simply because they were angry!

Take Away Principle: Patience is slow anger. When we are willing to be patient in our relationships, it takes a longer time to get angry with them.

Tips on being patient:

1. Be willing to wait. Remember waiting produces the best results! The longer time you take to marinate a chicken dish, the better it tastes.

2. When you do get angry, follow the 3 steps I always do:

a. Don’t React

b. Don’t React

c. Don’t React

3. Take time to reflect.

4. Relate to people who are patient.

L3

Z for Zeal

Y for You

X for Xerox

W for Words

V for Value

U for Understanding

U-Understanding

Take Away Principle:

Tips on understanding:

T for Trust

S for Sharing Secrets

S-Sharing Secrets

Take Away Principle:

R for Respect

Q for Quitting

P for Patience

The Author

Popular Posts

Followers

Blog Archive

Contact Form

Blogs I read